Matagal na pala akong palutang-lutang

{ October 31, 2009 @ 8:59 pm } · { nothingness }
{ } · { Comments (4) }

Dear You,

Sure ka bang talagang binibisita mo ako dito? Matagal-tagal mo rin bang inabangan kung magsusulat ako tungkol sa buhay o kamatayan ko? O sadyang itinakda lang ng panahon na mapadpad ka dito?

Hindi naman sa ayaw kong pabalik-balik ka. Ako pa nga ang dapat magsorry eh. Ang tagal ko kayang nawala. Ang tagal kong hindi binuksan itong blog ko. Ang dami kasing nangyari sa buhay ko na halos di ko na kinaya. Para bang hindi ko na kering bumangon pa.

Alam mo, mahal kong mambabasa, masakit kasing mawalan. Mahirap bumawi kung bigla kang mawalan. Mawalan ng boyfriend/girlfriend, aso, pusa, cellphone, laptop, charger, damit, sapatos, bahay, kotse, lote, cd, usb, ref, tv, kuryente, tubig, kuchara, tinidor, pinggan, plato, sabon, shampoo, conditioner, blush on, eye shadow, lipstick, kumot, unan, kama, wallet, pera, picture, ulam, kanin at marami pang iba. Pero alam mo, isa pala sa PINAKAMASAKIT mawala, MAGULANG.

Pasensya na kung matagal-tagal akong nawala. Mama ko kasi. Ang daya nya kasi eh. Sabi ko naman sa kanya, handa ko syang alagaan kahit hanggang matagalan. Pero wala eh. Ang daya nya. Iniwan na kasi ako ng mama ko. Wala, ayun. Masyadong atat na sumama sa Lolo at Lola ko.

Ang hirap palang mawalan. Nung nagbreak kasi kami nung hunyango kong ex, parang ilang bwan din akong nagluksa. Pero sa dulo inisip ko din naman na hunyango lang yun. Gago, ika nga ng iba. Pero tuloy pa din ang mundo ko. Dami pa namang iba dyan diba?

Kaso wow pare! Hindi ko kinaya nung si mama naman ang nawala. Ang hirap tanggapin na nawala na yung kasa-kasama ko mula pagkabeybi. Marami pa kasing mga Fafa dyan na Jowa material, pero kasi wala nang pwedeng ibang Mama eh. Wala na.

Pasensya na muna ah. Ngayon kasi, baka magkahalo-halo na ang magiging laman nitong blog ko. Bahala na kung ano ang maisipan kong isulat. Bahala na kung ano ang mapagtripan kong punahin. Bahala na si Lord kung pagbibigyan pa nya akong mag-isip ng iisipin para makapag-isip naman ako. Bahala na.

Hindi ko na gagawing epal ‘tong entry na ‘to. saka ko na ikekwento ang Maalaala mo kaya kong buhay. Pansamantala, magtyaga ka muna dito.

Salamat ha. Salamat Talaga.

Star

this is why I wanted to be a journalist

{ August 22, 2009 @ 5:54 am } · { nothingness }
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When I was with the Philippine Daily Inquirer, I wanted to experience “reality,” as how my reporter friends and writer relatives tell me. I guess I was not given the chance to experience it, but at least I was able to see what they, in one way or another, mean.

I was one of the lucky frogs who got to witness some of COMELEC’s press conferences, may it be regarding the up and coming elections or the current issues on the seats at the lower house. And I remember, there was this one time while I was sitting at a press conference at the 8th floor of the Palacio del Gobernador in Intramuros, I heard Commissioner Melo say that these politicians who happened to be vying for the Presidential spot are “not actually electioneering.” Rather, he said they were just practicing advocacy campaigns and the like.

How can that be? How can you not consider those jingles and the commercials with “Presidential candidates” as electioneering? Can you not understand the fact that they are trying to attract the people’s minds into giving them their votes? How can you not see that they are trying to pull each other down by showering their “campaigns” with sweet and flowery words and subtly comparing their ways with the other?

Not that I am againts Mar Roxas, but don’t you deem that electioneering when he said “boy, itabi mo, ako na” (or whatever he called the little boy) while the kids were telling him their dilemmas and the current situation that eats them alive?

Not that I am against Manny Villar, but I think it is electioneering when he started funding for the jingle “akala mo petiks, yun pala mali. akala mo conyo, yun pala laking tondo. akala mo trapo, yun pala katropa mo..” and so on. Isn’t that considered as such, knowing that the words used in his jingle calls for people to believe in him and know that he is a “responsible, one-with-the-masses, and friendly” man?

Not that I am against Jejomar Binay, but I think it’s enough for the people to know his achievements by way of looking at the (obvious) developments and receiving the benefits, as promised. I mean, don’t you think that specific commercial boasts too much about his “oh so good” record as long time Mayor of Makati City?

I cannot believe I’m living in a country where lies rule. They have long been lying to their very own selves, starting with the fact that they constantly deny the reality that  should really be seen and accepted. They have long been lying to the people who fervently believe in their speeches and funny antics. They have been lying!

This is what I have always wanted –to be able to know the truth. Who wants to be deceived? Or lied to? I definitely don’t want such foolishness done to me! I have a serious case of SHUT THE HELL UP AND JUST DO WHAT YOU SHOULD DO syndrome, and I hate seeing people boast and boast and not do his or her job right. I should know.

I believe in the power of words. How do you think Former President/Dictator Ferdinand Marcos move the military to such big coup d’etat against their own people? How do you think such person be elected thrice (or so they say) without imposing to the people that he should be the one elected and not others?

A black American, as they say, has less chance of winning any fight against a white American. But now President Barrack Obama proved  otherwise. Why? It’s easy explained with one word — WORDS. Try listening to his speeches. Don’t you just want to listen to them all the time? With how he delivers simple words, it makes the thought of the whole, something with a spice!

However, neither jingles nor speeches would move the people into believing that they are vying for that seat in Malacanan for the benefit of the majority. They would need to get the hearts of the people by showing them that they can. Stop with the nonsensical waste of money just to get nearly a minute of the people’s viewing and listening habits. Just make the people feel that there are a lot of things offered to them which came not from the politician, but from the HEART of the politician.

I am writing not for myself. I am not venting all angst into this one simple page of catered space on somewhere people never feel nor touch. I am not writing for the people to know what I am feeling whenever I see politicians on TV, hear them on radios or pass by them and try to not reach out to their waiting hand while walking and pretending to not know them. I am not.

I think it’s but right for me to stay apolitical until the day I decide to quit writing and start earning money from trash. Besides, I do not want to listen to their claims, suffer with them during their days of trial (mostly during campaign period, obviously), nor walk with them while wearing a huge smile on my face. Ugh! So pathetic!

I think this is why I chose to be a journalist despite the low pay, the unequal benefits and the problems it brings. NO!

I know this is why I chose to be a journalist. As my uncle often remind me, You will see reality when you decide to join the majority.  Media is the majority. And I am just starting to discover the “reality” some politicians are hiding.

apologies.. much apologies..

{ August 17, 2009 @ 12:43 am } · { in a Flash }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

hi friends!

How have you all been doing? Hope you are all in good condition, with stress-free (or maybe less stress) lives.

I would just like to apologize for not being able to update my blog lately. I have not gone awol with my site. It’s just that I have been very busy looking after and taking care of my mom. I’m having difficulties surfing the internet during the wee hours of the night because the signal of my sun broadband does not properly work inside the clinic room of the family house, where we (my mom and I) happened to be staying.

I felt bad when I opened my blog account moments ago. I failed to promote the contest entry I made for the contest of Mon. I failed to send him details regarding the requirements for sponsorship. I am no longer updated with blogs of my peeps in the pinoy blogging world….

I only felt one thing:

I FEEL LIKE A MAN OF THE PAST!

It’s like i’ve spent some good time in the future and went back to the past only to find out that I have been living in a world full of antiquity.

While browsing through some of the comments, I tumbled upon one of my replies to a comment raised. I think in that comment, I announced I will post a complete report on the status of my mother. I was wrong… REALLY WRONG.

I’m really sorry. Soon I will, friends. Soon I will.

Mama, I love you!

{ August 9, 2009 @ 9:49 pm } · { nothingness }
{ } · { Comments (4) }

It was she who carried me in her womb for a whopping nine months. Trying hard not to make me feel comfortable, despite the uncomfiness she feels while walking with a huge watermelon-like belly in front of her.

She made me kick her belly yet smiles if she felt the karate chop I do. She made me so healthy and requested I hold on to her till i’m ready.

I have been a brat ever since, trying to go out despite the unscheduled slide to the real world. She walked and walked till we reached home, and realized she was bleeding when she walked towards the kitchen.

October 18, 1988, She gave me life and made me feel the love she has for me. She was tired, but managed to hold me in her arms and hug me tight. She gave me nine months. And as of now, She gave me 21 years.

My 21 years of existence is not because of God alone. It is also because of her. She treasured me, and made me feel special.

The rebel me used to hate the good her. I would always talk back whenever she gives me hourly sermons. I hated myself for that.

Mama, that’s how I call her. That’s how we call her.

I know I have never been the best daughter for her. I ruined her dreams, one way or another. I have been a pain in the neck, I know.

One thing I don’t know is how to tell her how much she means to me. How much I care about her. How much I love her. I love her so much, and I tell you all, I will always love her, more than how I will love my future family, and myself.

Mama, I love you. I have been very unruly and disrespectful, but I love you. I always do.

Thank you for giving me my life. For not opting to abandon us despite of dilemmas. Thank you for always being there for us. For showing us you care. For loving us. For being you.

Mama, I love you so much. Always remember that. I know I am having difficulties telling you how I feel, but now, I should start. I love you mama. I always do.

Mama, mahal na mahal po kita.

prayers are welcome

{ July 23, 2009 @ 9:21 am } · { nothingness }
{ } · { Comments (12) }

Hi bloggers. you might be wondering why I am not updating my site lately.

My mother was confined at the Medical City and is still in the hospital to date. I have been very busy travelling from school to the hospital and doing chores at home, giving me less time to check on the internet and buzz on you guys.

Sorry for not being able to update.

Magbabalik si Star soon. Promise.

Please pray for my mother po. Thank you so much!

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PANINGIT:

Kikay a.k.a. Rhona, belated happy birthday ha. Gurl sorry hindi ako makakapunta bukas. Promise I’ll make it up to you.

EB Babes. miss ko na kayo! Pinoy Blogosphere pals, miss you all na din!

Mon, Diego Jose, Dencios, Shattershards, Super Sawsaw, Winkiedoodledoo, Azul, Lovely, and those whom I failed to mention, thanks for not putting me into your lare of forgotten peeps. Love you all!

Password protected.

{ July 16, 2009 @ 1:42 pm } · { nothingness }
{ } · { Comments (2) }

I am sorry for the sudden change of the previous post’s visibility. I have reflected and I think it’s but right to protect some parts of the entry from being known by the world, since it talks about the status of my family. If you wish to read more, leave me a message in this entry and I will be attending to your request shortly. Thank you!

Protected: I am dying…. :(

{ July 16, 2009 @ 2:16 am } · { nothingness }
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This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


humihinga pa ko, kung naaalala nyo pa ko..

{ July 16, 2009 @ 1:00 am } · { nothingness }
{ Tags: , , , , , , , , } · { Comments (44) }

Phuck.

I had the worst case of WB.. It made me idle for nearly a month. PHUCK!

I lost grip and blogging literally slipped off my hand. I did not intentionally let go of this habit, I was a victim!

I would never want to leave pinoy blogosphere behind. The people I met made me think and realize I have more than what I really have (go ahead, just agree with my trying-hard mind. I know it’s a bit weird but, please just bear with me.)

I was lost, and thanks to winkie’s sudden wake-up call, i am now found. and, hopefully I can recover from this phucking WB.

I missed blogging. I bloghop every now and then, but I kinda lost the urge to comment and post. Phuck that effin WB deejay passed on to me.. Darn. LOL.

Anyway, a little something to those who missed me..

Supersawsaw, thanks for looking for me on my site. LOL. you’re actually the only one who did such. LOL. *acshuli, nagpapamiss ako eh. I was waiting for someone to look for me, and you were the only one.. :( hindi nila ko namimiss eh. *

Winkiedoodles, try as I may, I really can’t locate the exact post.. huhuhu… :( Loser ako eh. I don’t know why.

Kikayness, I might not be able to join you on the 24th. :( May pasok ako eh, I know it’s a bummer. Badtrip much.. Huhuhu. I do hope I could join, but chances are low, literally low!

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COMERCIAL MUNA!

This was not really written for the contest, but because Kikay gave me the idea, I officially announce my participation sa pakontes ni Mon.. Please vote for me, please do. :D

Thanks sa sponsors ni Mon na sina:

* Chad of Coolbutsmokin.wordpress.com who offers cash through Paypal
* Rhona of Kofistains.com who offers cash through Paypal
* Reesie of Reesie.net who offers cash through Paypal
* Jehzeel of Jehzlau-Concepts.com who offers cash through Paypal
* Jerick of Rickspot.com who offers ad space at his site
* Bogcess of TechnoChase.com who offers cash through Paypal
* Mars of OrphicPixel.com who offers cash through Paypal
* Winkie of WinkiesWorld.wordpress.com who offers cash/E-load
* Cris of www.crisiboy.com who offers cash/E-load
* Ghie of Confessions who offers cash through Paypal

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Anyway, what have I been doing lately?

PROCRASTINATING and CRITICIZING, as always.

This echoserang betch loved criticizing and working against the flow.LOL.

and, add this to the list, please.

MADE MY HEART LONG BLEED FOR SOMEONE WHO LEFT ME HANGING NO LONGER FEELS THE SAME.

Okay, fine. Make me eat Ampalaya. Bitter ang lola mo, and I know that 101%.

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allow me to use taglish. I think I can release this angst better that way.

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(Click the picture below and see yourself wandering along seashores of love…)

However, it's now never...

However, it's now never...

Do you know how it feels to love someone who no longer feels the same way? Have you ever been in a situation where you feel unloved, and all you do to release your feelings is look at other lovers, think of the person you love and cry yourself out while making the pillow soggy with your tears?

If yes, could you welcome me to the club?

Phuck this feeling! why can’t I let him run off my mind and allow myself to breathe happily and sleep well during the night?! Bakit ba kasi kelangan ko pa maging bitter? Hindi ba pwedeng okay na ko, since that breakup was like, 5 effin’ months ago?

Kamusta pa ang mga pagbati ng mga kaibigan, diba?

I was walking along UST when I happened to tumble upon a long-sorta-forgotten friend. He asked me if I was still seeing HIM, he thought we were the best couple. Well, that was nice. How nice of him to make me remember..

My professor, the one who believed I was destined for him *my professor*, called me up and said he was happy for me because “I finally realized that HIM and me were not meant to be.” So much for encouragement and comfort. Thank you ha.

My peers told HIM he’s lucky to have me. They told HIM he should take care of me ’cause I’ll be doing the same. They know me, I know. But they told me HE WAS NOT WORTH MY TEARS. Thanks friends.. Thanks for being bias.

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We were already “engaged,” if that’s how you call it. We have been through thick and thin, but we still ended up shattered and apart.

Wow. Kunsabagay, how will you move on kung yung nanay nya e araw-araw kang tinetext at tinatanong kung kelan ka ulit pupunta sa kanila..

Look guys.. help me with this..

His mother thinks I’m her destined daughter-in-law. She vacated the guest room and made it MY room. She made me cute thinks like pouches and the like. She PLACED MY NAME ON THE LAND TITLE, with the name of her son. She loved me more than she loved her son, as what she told us everyday. She said “I was the daughter she never had..”

Phuck!

This makes me cry more… Whenever I see pictures of him and me, it makes me feel unloved, rejected and a useless piece of shit.

Am I?

Demmet.. I feel like crashing.. It’s like being flushed down the drain, washed out to clear the throat, dumped out of the house, pushed down a cliff, and, HELL, anything and everything that connects me to falling and failing!

Sometimes I think of trying suicide. Does that help? The thought always enters my head –slashing, jumping off somewhere high, having myself bumped by vehicles *probably along Commonwealth, where people who gets hit often end up dead or dying*, any possible way! I’d rather have everything end than keep this phucking feeling kill me day by day! I know most of you will say no, well.. It’s immoral so I guess I won’t. Besides, how can I do such, e konting bahid lang ng dugo eh kala mo kano na ko dahil sa tindi ng pamumutla ko.

I am a fake. I keep on showing people how strong I am, but I am not. I am the joker who hides behind make-ups and red squishy noses. I am the warrior who fights battles yet cries inside the armor. I am weak. Weak, and not strong… WEAK.

He held me close and whispered how much he loved me. Now that he’s gone, I keep on waiting for someone, or should I say, HIM, to hold me again and tell me again those words which made butterflies fly inside my stomach.

Why can’t I just love someone else and accept the fact that it’s over? Sabi nga sa movie nina John Lloyd at Sarah, “Baka naman pagod na sya dahil kanina pa sya tumatakbo sa isip mo.” Okay fine, t’was corny as hell. But how can you describe this shitty feeling and him on my mind every single time?!

He is who I think of whenever I bathe, Sino na magsasabi sakin na magmadali dahil may lakad pa kami, or kunwaring namboboso pero conservative naman?

He is who I think of whenever I cook, Gustung-gusto nya yung pasta na niluluto ko for him. He wants it meaty and cheesy…

He is who I think of whenever I go home from school or work, Wala nang nag-aabang sakin sa labas ng building. Siya lang ang nag-abang na may dalang gigantic teddy bear and 4 dozens ng rose dahil 4th month namin. Kahit na walang masisilungan sa labas ng office, he waited and waited. Pero he is no longer waiting. I AM…

I keep on waiting. Kahit na alam kong wala naman akong hinihintay.. I keep on looking at my phone, hoping and wishing na he’ll send me a message.. Kahit na wrong send, ok na sakin.

Pathetic, am I right? I know I am. And I admit. I loved him too much, leaving nothing for myself.. I loved him more than how I loved myself.

I was always there for him, night and day. I never made him feel unloved. And maybe that was my fault.. That I loved him too much, and not love even a percent of myself. I became selfless. But he was not selfish. He loved me too. It’s just that…

He Loves me no more…

I wanna get over him! I wanna forget him, his ways, everything!

Maybe it’s time for me to love myself again and allow others to love me. Maybe it’s time to let go. Maybe it’s time to stand up after falling and failing a hundred times..

However, it still hurts me… My heart, my body, my brain, my ego, my confidence, my all. He occupied quite a huge part of me, and that will never change. It’s hard to accept the fact that I have been happy with him, I have loved him, and now, I lost him. Phuck this feeling.

Phuck, Phuck, Phuck.

I guess crying times and sleepness nights aren’t over till I realize it’s over..

How can I let you go? Tell me.. Please.. :(

How can I let you go? Tell me.. Please.. :(

Jopay Paguia to play as Pinay Princess Fiona

{ June 24, 2009 @ 10:19 pm } · { nothingness }
{ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , } · { Comments (15) }

Sexbomb dancer Jopay Paguia received numerous movie offers after getting huge ratings on the latest season of Daisy Siete, Kambal Ilong.

According to the official statement released by GMA Network,  Paguia is invited to star as Princess Fiona in the upcoming project of the network, Pinoy Shrek, with Comedian and Host Allan K as Shrek.

In the statement, GMA Network lauded Paguia’s effort to “imitate Fiona’s nose and still act professionally.” They also said “she will reach higher levels with that nose.”

In an exclusive interview with Paguia, the dancer-turned-actress was surprised with the high ratings of GMA 7’s prime time teleserye and thanked the producers for giving her with another opportunity to prove her talent.

“I never thought producers will notice me and my talent. I don’t know what to say. Thank you so much, thank you!” said she.

Besides Pinoy Shrek, Paguia was also invited to star in another movie, Bakekang, by Carlo J. Caparas. He said he would love to have her as the star, knowing that he would spend less and just “borrow Jopay’s Kambalilong nose.”

Meanwhile, former Bakekang Star Sunshine Dizon congratulated Paguia after hearing the latest movie offers.

“She would feel uneasy at first, but knowing that she had almost the same project, she probably got used to it,” said Dizon.

Paguia said she would probably keep the nose and have it cleaned every now and then.

“I feel so blessed having this nose. I think it is but right for me to keep it and have it lasered in place. It makes me feel happy, and maybe this nose is the lucky charm I’ve been looking for,” said Paguia.

Allan K. as Pinoy Shrek

Allan K. as Pinoy Shrek

Jopay Paguia as Fiona

Jopay Paguia as Pinay Fiona

Raymond Gutierrez speaks

{ June 23, 2009 @ 11:46 pm } · { nothingness }
{ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , } · { Comments (12) }

A copy of a blog entry of Showbiz Talkshow host Raymond Gutierrez was discovered and sent via email by an unknown internet user. In the email, the actor disclosed courting ways of actor John Lloyd Cruz and strongly said that he despise him as his sister’s suitor.

The believed blog entry is provided for the readers:

I was quite curious of his ways. He would always look at all our stuffs and roam around the house. I would always catch him inside our kitchen, inspecting the contents of our two-door refrigirator. I once saw him browsing through our cupboard. However, he seemed normal to me.

We had rough times at home. Mommy would always blab about how she hates JL (oh, yeah. JL and I kinda had a little talk, and I decided to call him JL. He, on the other hand, calls me Mondie. ;) ) and what she would do to have him removed from Ate Ruffa’s life. I would always tell mommy to let ate live her life but she would always say “ka-edj mo lang yun dong! wala man lang kahihiyan, kebata bata nya dong!”

He’s nice. I think he’s worth loving. No wonder ate left the house after the catfight between mommy and her. JL would always tell ate she’s beautiful. And everytime he does, ate would always ask him what he wants as a gift. No worries, he asked nothing expensive.

I once conversed with ate and asked her what she gave JL when they went shopping. She just said she bought him pairs of shoes and a new phone. I was touched with what ate told me. She said JL is sweet and that he cares for her so much. Wish I meet someone like him in the near future!

JL and I once saw each other at a bar in Eastwood. That was when we decided to bond and get to know each other better. He offered me some drinks and asked if he could visit some time. I said yes and asked if we could exchange numbers.

But what is this I feel?

He is a respectful man, and a gentleman. He would always open the door for ate, just as how he opened the door for me whenever we go out. He would always wait for ate as she changes clothes, even if it takes ate years to finish choosing what color of dress to wear. He does that to me too!

But what is this I feel?

What I noticed was he never did those thoughtful things to me whenever we are at my parent’s place. He would be thoughtful to me only when he picks me up at my crib in Taguig. And whenever he does that, he would always text me at the end of the day and appologize for such “insensitive” acts.

JL is not a bad man. He’s actually a great guy. He looks decent, and is indeed a gentleman! He even brought me home when I was no longer capable of driving because of alcohol!

I don’t know why I hate him now. I don’t know why I want him to stop courting my ate. I want him to love someone else—someone who belongs to the same age bracket. Someone who would love him dearly and take good care of him. I know my ate and I know she would easily lose love for him. I’d hate to see him with my ate. I want him to meet someone. Someone like me perhaps.

In a phone conversation, Gutierrez said he would have to check the circulating email first before giving a statement.

“Gurl, I would need to make kita that blog entry muna, okey kokey? It’s like making sira to my manly reputation. I would never sulot Ate Ruffa’s boylet no! Besides, he’s not my type. I heard he has small feet. It’s like, eeeew! A total turn-off for me !”

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Forgive me… WB Alert… Huhuhu… :(

I hate having WB and being forced to post corny entries! O_o

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